she woke up with a sticky ear
I just gift wrapped bread.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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