I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
