chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
