You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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