my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Another day, another engagement, another cat
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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