she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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