He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
