i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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