she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
