come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
