I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
