he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
