Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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