dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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