Soap is not a condiment
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
