You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
