I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
