do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
