The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
