The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize