seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
