I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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