I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
