Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
