What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
