alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
