Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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