Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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