Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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