Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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