i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize