Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
