Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You can't motorboat a personality
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
