pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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