im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
