there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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