Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
