turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
