Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
