She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
