I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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