omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize