don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize