I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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