turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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