Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize