I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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