I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
