Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
