So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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