She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
