well I can't set my house on fire every night
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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