I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
