You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
