i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
