ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize