Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She even gives head with a lisp.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
