The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
