Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
