You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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