there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
