My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
